you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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