How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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