I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
