speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
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