the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
