where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
