too bad you live with your parents still
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
