apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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