the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
