Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
