Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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