I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
