Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
