Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
