I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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