I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
