Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
