Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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