somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she woke up with a sticky ear
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So. Much. Porn.
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