I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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