If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
