Your face is a jimmy john
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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