i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
