The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
