About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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