I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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