If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
