guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
