i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
