Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
