sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
