I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
