You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
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