So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
