I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
