So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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