singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
