She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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