so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Pants are for mortals
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
