so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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