Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
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