I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You have to summon your inner elephant
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
