My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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