so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
