You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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