i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
