conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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