Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
