I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Randomize
