Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My life is pants optional.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
