i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
