Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just invented taco cereal.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
